I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
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