Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
