So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
