Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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