got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
