Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
FUCK WHALES
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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