remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
You've changed since you got that strap on
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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