woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Randomize
