After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I need to sanitize my soul.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
