I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
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