u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
