If that was your dad, he is hot
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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