im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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