I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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