I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
