she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
