Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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