Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
It's shark week go big or go home
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
