I understand why you refuse to be sober now
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
