Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
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