just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
