I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I have already put on my inside pants.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
