i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
