He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
i drank out of a bidet.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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