paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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