I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
