I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
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