Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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