I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
