My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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