last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
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