I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Randomize
