It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
