I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
