I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
