Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
