i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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