PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Randomize
