I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I use my feet as sexual weapons
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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