lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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