i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Randomize
