After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
