Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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