I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
