I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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