if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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