Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Randomize
