I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
