Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
