Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
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